"DOORMAT" and "PUNCH BAG"

[if you are expecting something sensible from this write -up then honestly i should inform you before hand it is not one bit sensible..if at all you read , be prepared for nonsense]



I know the title is absurd...and you must be wondering what has this got to do with a post anyway..well..what sounds like names of random objects do not mean so when they are told to me..because they are aptly used to describe "me"...by people who know me very closely..they call me a "door-mat"coz they feel people come,hurt me,say what they want to and go and the best part is since forgiving comes easy to me the same people come again and repeat the same mistakes because I supposedly move around with a label of"welcome"...
As for the "punch bag" status...that I have earned..coz people love to vent out their frustration,tensions and anger on me..and then sweetly say"sorry"....


These two adjectives have been used frequently for me in the past years but since the last year i guess I have improved...that's what I feel..I guess I have become strong but what i still haven't learnt is how to remain emotionally balanced..my sense of guilt is irritating,two emotional words and I am gone,forgiving comes easy to me not that I forget the pain but i can never get even with people nor can I draw lines and there have been times when I really had to but i do it at the front...inside I face hell,my anger shoots up in seconds and comes down even faster..in short I am one complex freak!


Everyday I get lectures on how to judge people,my best friend says that I need to learn to be selfish,she says others lead my life...etc.etc....Why i wrote this here today...is that i was out a while ago when I met an old friend..with whom I have not been in touch since a few months...she is my school friend...we don't meet often..but stay in touch through the phone that too not very regularly..she was with a friend..I met her in a book store where in 2 minutes flat she gave me a bash for not staying in touch..I told her i left texts and messages...but she was least convinced..it was not a chit-chat but bitter allegations in front of her friends..I explained but no use...anyways after a while i just calmed her down and she left...
I went ahead to meet my friend..but by that time I was really upset...I wasn't liking the entire experience..was thinking to myself that how could she go on and on..without even listening and that too so rudely...when i met my best friend I told her about what happened...she told me.."you know you are right so don't worry"...while talking to her I realized that my friend who was raising questions for me not calling did not call up once herself..even if I believe that she did not get any of my messages then she could have cared to initiate..but she dint...then what on earth gives her the right to expect that from me and create such a fuss over it...
as always late realization....for which my best friend says..."you said you are improving and this is how you are doing it...if you can take a stand for others what makes it so difficult when it comes to yourself..why did you listen to her when you knew you were right..high time now change...and all you need to do is do what you do for others ,for your self.."....



I came home thinking what I should have done..i agree its a very petty issue but was not very pleasing..I know I ignore things concerning me but when the same thing happens to others I don't like it ...and the other reason is also that when i create unnecessary fuss about things that can be tolerated I don't like it either..my best friend often gets annoyed at this thought and says that I have different rules for others and myself..so what is it"being a door mat..."...or having "double standards"..i don't know...i am too confused...




[this is the first time I am writing a personal experience here directly...its absolutely senseless...but since its playing on my mind...ever since I have come back I just wrote it down...sorry for dragging on such a trivial issue...and thanks a ton for reading and bearing...you know what the best part is after writing it down I kind of feel lighter...i doesn't seem to matter anymore..I am finding it stupid now...:P]